Feelings and more

Feeling enraged and sad about recent events
Feeling lonely and wants to make connections, but can’t due to limitations
Feeling left out, because nobody wants to take me somewhere
Feeling angry because of injustices towards autistic people
Feeling pressured to conform to societal standards
Feeling pressured to become more spiritual and more faithful
Feeling like a failure, because my life is boring
Feeling not enough
Still having feelings for someone far away from me and probably doesn’t know that I exist
Coming to terms with my own sexuality
Feeling jealous of online friends, they do have their lives and I don’t
Feeling like I don’t belong anywhere
Feeling the need to free myself from the pressure to conform
My needs never come first, other people’s needs always do
My happiness is nowhere to be found
Freeing myself from religion, but it tries so damn hard to pull me back in (hence the pressure)
I just want to be me. I just want to be free. Free from pressures. I just want to be happy. Don’t tell me where to find my happiness. Don’t tell me I’m lost and confused. Don’t tell me that I have to be spiritual/pray/have faith. LET ME BE. Let me find my own way. Don’t control me, just let me be.

Curing Autism Parents

Autistic Observations

Since I have been involved in the online communities of autism and autistic culture, I noticed a divide between self-proclaimed autism parents and allistic medical professionals, and autistic adults like myself.

Yet don’t we have the same goal, a betterment for autistic people? Chris Bonnello of Autistic Not Weird recently wrote with a parent of autistic kids about the hate mail she received about how she talks about autism.

I am against personalized hate mail, but I will admit to getting into arguments with autism parents to the point of being banned from autism support groups.

In my activism and life in general, I have received a lot of dismissive and hateful comments from autism parents. They insisted I was hateful and had no idea what it was like to be autistic. That I didn’t know about self-harm, stimming, incontinence, etc. That I was a burden to my parents and…

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This April, go #RedInstead for Autism Acceptance!

Speaking of Autism...

Coming up on April 2nd is “World Autism Day,” couched in what some people have designated as “Autism Awareness Month.” Unfortunately, for many autistic people, April has become a month of anxiety due to the darker sides of the “awareness” that is often pushed. There will be “autism walks,” wear blue days at schools and workplaces, and ad campaigns calling for the public to fear autism. Autism will be demonized, blamed for the world’s problems, all while autistic people are called “burdens” and “missing.” Autistic people will be spoken over by parents and professionals who will more-often-than-not spread more misinformation and create further prejudice against autistic people.

All this will be done in the name of “awareness.”

This has been the story every April since the advent of the autism awareness movement in the early 00’s. And it is, at least I believe, one of the largest contributors to many…

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International Charter of Autists Rights & THE 10 POINTS OF Âû (The Autistic Union)

International Badass Activists

Note: The International Charter of Autists Rights has been officially adopted at AmericanBadassActivists.org. Please support, share and help educate others on Autists Rights.

THE 10 POINTS OF Âû (The Autistic Union)

  1. I am Autistic. [or] I support those who are Autistic.
  2. I embrace my Autism as a very significant part of my identity.
  3. I embrace those who would sacrifice to protect all Autistic life.
  4. I embrace the belief that Autism does not need any “curing”.
  5. I embrace the self-advocacy goal of “Everything about us, with us”.
  6. I embrace the definition of Autism as a neuro-social difference.
  7. I embrace measures directed at protecting Autistics from attack.
  8. I embrace a person-centred approach to all Autism issues.
  9. I embrace rigorous scientific approaches to co-occurring conditions.
  10. I embrace Autistics leading their own welfare organisations.


We will prevent eugenic elimination of autistic people by opposing pre-natal testing for autism.

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If the world was built for me

This post speaks volume for me.

Autism and Expectations

If the world was built for me. There would be nothing wrong with me. I would be happy and safe and certain and successful.

If the world was built for me, when I met people there would be no expectation of physical contact or small talk. We may ignore each other, with a socially acceptable nod, or throw ourselves into a deep and meaningful conversation.

If the world was built for me, then we would all sit next to each other, not opposite. Things would be based on literal words, not guessed expressions and gestures.

If the world was built for me, there would be a compulsory day off for everyone after any social event. Just so we could all take the time to recharge and process things.

If the world was built for me, work would be about working and nothing else. There wouldn’t be the necessary interaction that…

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Sorry that I didn’t post for so long. I was going through some personal things.

Warning: this is not an autism post.

Lately I’ve been going through some stressful things, but I won’t put them into details. One thing I learned through this ordeal is that the stress will go away sooner or later. I have support from my family and friends. I’ve been pressuring myself too much to forget about someone and move on. I’ve been afraid of the future. I was feeling lonely. I was fighting myself, God, reality and everybody else. I lost my way, but I will find my way back. I thought about giving up, but I keep on pushing. I almost lost my faith, but little by little it comes back to me. I almost lost hope, and hope is something we should never lose. Even though I’m going through tough times, there is still something to look forward to. I’m concentrating on that. I’ll be fine. At the end, I will discover more of myself and love myself even more. I’ll keep holding on. Hold on to family who loves me. Hold on to people who love me. Hold on to God. My hope is in God.

The road to self-discovery

The road to self-discovery is a tough road. You discover some things about you that you’d never expect to discover. Allow me to explain.

In my case my road to self-discovery happened a couple of months ago, after I graduated from my studies for Legal Assistant. I had a few meltdowns and shutdowns, because I was really stressed at work. I will not go into details, but those meltdowns and shutdowns were not pretty. I realized that I was fighting against myself. I was trying to do my utmost best, but my best was not enough. I realized that there were some things that were not working for me. I was trying to do the impossible. As a matter of fact I was doing the impossible for far too long. Let me mention a few:

  • Handle with customers
  • Make phone calls to employers
  • Dealing with lots of co-workers on your work

Well, you might think “but that’s a normal thing to do” or “everybody does it”, but it’s something that I struggle with. When it comes to the handling with the customers, there will be some talking to the customers. And thank God that there were some co-workers who helped me when I got stuck, because I’d get stuck a lot. For instance, if a customer starts yelling and I can’t answer back. 

Another thing that I was doing is that I was internalizing what I was going through. I used to internalize, because I was afraid for another reprimand after a meltdown. It was expected of me to switch tasks, deal with colleagues on your work and have different colleagues give you things to do. And if you say no, they will ask you why.

Well, last Friday I finally got through it. I had an important meeting with my boss, my parents and my psychologist. I explained what I was going through. My road to self-discovery was at its peak point. I’m glad that my boss understood what was I was going through. I reminded her that there are some things that I can do and some things that I can’t do. I pushed the envelope long enough. It was time for closure. And I got it. I am glad how it all went. 

My road to self-discovery led me to know me better. Now I know how to cope with certain things. I discovered stimming. It’s so liberating!!! Stimming helped me with dealing with my emotions and to calm me when I was tense.

My road to self-discovery is not over yet! The best is yet to come. 


My name is Ilany and I’m autistic. I finally took the courage to start writing my own blog. I want to share my experiences as an autistic woman. I hope that this will give parents and autistic people some courage to persevere and to never give up on themselves.

I promote acceptance, not awareness. Ask yourself this: What does awareness do for us?
I don’t want a cure for autism. Some people may ask why, because maybe they have an autistic relative or daughters or sons of friends who have autism and they can’t talk and wear diapers. It’s up to the parents to accept and understand that autistic daughter or son and try to make the best of it. Remember, autism is not a tragedy or burden. Ignorance is tragedy.

I call myself autistic, not “person with autism”. Please don’t tell me what I should call myself. Autism is a part of me. I can’t put it in a bag and carry it around. Please remember that autism doesn’t stop at 18. It’s a lifelong disability.

I want to shed light on the positive and the negative aspects of autism and I hope that will help parents, autistic children and autistic adults.